i think i have two assholes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
