So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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