Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize