I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
