just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
