No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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