Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
