I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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