She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
