When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
