i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
