I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
