i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
