guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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