so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
