I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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