cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize