i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
