You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
