Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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