So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
