Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
