why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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