I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
