She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
