shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize