Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
