Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
