I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
