I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You dont lie about slip and slides
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize