Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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