How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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