My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
