I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
