he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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