There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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