i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
