I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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