I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
