I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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