He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
