my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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