I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
