I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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