I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
