the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
