the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
