I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
