Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
