Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
