There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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