How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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