Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
