meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i love accidental penises.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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