One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
