shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
