Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
