She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
