I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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