im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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