Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize