ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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