Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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