Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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