I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
