If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
