You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
