omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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