Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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